dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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