We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
