just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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