so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
