I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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