dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize