I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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