You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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