hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
