Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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