I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
