If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
