I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
