i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
smell my finger.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
