1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
