i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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