you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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