Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
