you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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