i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
