she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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