Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
