I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
