I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
