so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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