there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
