I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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