I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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