even my farts smell like vagina
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
