the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
