Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize