her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
