When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize