I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
