So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
