Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
