We won't sleep together?
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
You left your phone here
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