Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
