Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
