please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
