I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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