Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
