Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize