fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
