Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
