Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
