Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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