3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm just crazy horny about you
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize