K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
