I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
