Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
