dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just google imaged poop.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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