I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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