Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
pop tarts are not kleenex
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
