I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
