3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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