just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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