The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
