hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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